if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
