I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
