I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
