Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I love you.
Bad choice
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