Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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