Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
