I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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