not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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