You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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