Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
