Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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