never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
