I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
