First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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