I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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