I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
