I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
