my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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