??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
