I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
