RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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