Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
