do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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