Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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