Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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