I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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