it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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