The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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