So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
