my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
