Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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