we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
