Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
