I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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