I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
