there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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