So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
