just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
