you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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