I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
