i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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