4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
