so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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