Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
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