im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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