but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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