So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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