what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
