Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
