sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
