Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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