Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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