I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
