Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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