I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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