Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
