I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
