i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
