I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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